Z's blood sugars are stabilizing, they expect to have him off the IV insulin by midmorning. He is already a different child, chipper and flirting wildly with his nurses and doctors. The IV's and other monitors really bother him, since they keep him effectively tied down. Fortunately one of his favorite shows, Phinneas and Ferb, is on an all day marathon today- 12 straight hours. He doesn't get to watch it at home since we don't get television.
S is leaving the girls with some friends for the day so he can join me for our diabetes education classes. He will miss the first one, which I am about to leave for now, but make the second two.
* * *
My first class today (the one S missed) was more of a conversation than a class, a social worker talked to me about dealing with the diagnosis. We had a very good conversation about what I am feeling right now.
I am angry. I don't deny it, though I feel silly confessing it. I am angry that this happened to my sweet little boy (or as he prefers: Handsome Big Boy) who has already been through so many challenges in his short life.
I am frustrated. I want to make this go away- I want to fix it, to kiss it all better, to find the cure.
I am sad. Z is being so brave in there, though I'll admit he fights those pokes. He doesn't really understand what's going on, but he's trying his hardest to be a tough guy. No kid, no matter what their age, should have to have this many needles shoved at them. I am sad that his future holds what seems to be an endless line of needles and lancets aimed at him.
Toward the end of our conversation, Gail (the social worker) gave me a word to use for these emotions: Grief.
I hadn't considered myself to be grieving until that moment. It is true, though, I am. I grieve for the loss of our meal time spontaneity. That was something I enjoyed, and enjoyed providing for my kids. I grieve for the child that Z used to be, and for the mother that I used to be. Surely we have grown, and will grow from this experience, but just as surely we are not, nor will we ever be again the same people who walked into the Dr's office yesterday. I grieve for the things that Z will never have a chance to do. The list is so small as to seem insignificant, and I will try to make it seem that way to him, but it is a hard thing for me. After all, as a five year old boy, right now his dreams are of trucks, racecars, airplanes, rocketships, and of being a soldier like his grandpa. Those are things that I love also, and grieve that I can not give the chance at them back to him.
My first class today (the one S missed) was more of a conversation than a class, a social worker talked to me about dealing with the diagnosis. We had a very good conversation about what I am feeling right now.
I am angry. I don't deny it, though I feel silly confessing it. I am angry that this happened to my sweet little boy (or as he prefers: Handsome Big Boy) who has already been through so many challenges in his short life.
I am frustrated. I want to make this go away- I want to fix it, to kiss it all better, to find the cure.
I am sad. Z is being so brave in there, though I'll admit he fights those pokes. He doesn't really understand what's going on, but he's trying his hardest to be a tough guy. No kid, no matter what their age, should have to have this many needles shoved at them. I am sad that his future holds what seems to be an endless line of needles and lancets aimed at him.
Toward the end of our conversation, Gail (the social worker) gave me a word to use for these emotions: Grief.
I hadn't considered myself to be grieving until that moment. It is true, though, I am. I grieve for the loss of our meal time spontaneity. That was something I enjoyed, and enjoyed providing for my kids. I grieve for the child that Z used to be, and for the mother that I used to be. Surely we have grown, and will grow from this experience, but just as surely we are not, nor will we ever be again the same people who walked into the Dr's office yesterday. I grieve for the things that Z will never have a chance to do. The list is so small as to seem insignificant, and I will try to make it seem that way to him, but it is a hard thing for me. After all, as a five year old boy, right now his dreams are of trucks, racecars, airplanes, rocketships, and of being a soldier like his grandpa. Those are things that I love also, and grieve that I can not give the chance at them back to him.
* * *
He is finally allowed to eat something other than sugar-free Jello and cheese sticks. Good thing he loves those.
His nurse was astonished at how quickly his lunch disappeared. I wasn't. He was a hungry boy who hadn't eaten a real meal in 24 hours.
Our other classes today were on nutrition and on the basics of diabetes. I actually enjoyed the nutrition class, which thankfully was not too difficult since I focus on keeping a well-balanced diet for my kids. The class on diabetes basics was very basic, but simultaneously very enlightening. I learned a lot of new things and cleared up some basic misconceptions that I had.
Z is off of his IV's! He still has one in his arm just in case, but he is up and walking around! That makes him so happy!
Right now my mind is overly full, and I am happy to leave S to stay the night with Z while I go pick up the girls and take them home to sleep. I miss my sweet girls.
He is finally allowed to eat something other than sugar-free Jello and cheese sticks. Good thing he loves those.
His nurse was astonished at how quickly his lunch disappeared. I wasn't. He was a hungry boy who hadn't eaten a real meal in 24 hours.
Our other classes today were on nutrition and on the basics of diabetes. I actually enjoyed the nutrition class, which thankfully was not too difficult since I focus on keeping a well-balanced diet for my kids. The class on diabetes basics was very basic, but simultaneously very enlightening. I learned a lot of new things and cleared up some basic misconceptions that I had.
Z is off of his IV's! He still has one in his arm just in case, but he is up and walking around! That makes him so happy!
Right now my mind is overly full, and I am happy to leave S to stay the night with Z while I go pick up the girls and take them home to sleep. I miss my sweet girls.
No comments:
Post a Comment